I've been thinking too much lately. About cancer. I wake up in the morning thinking of him, and go to bed thinking about him. He's changed my life and radically rotated my outlook. Sounds a little morbid, but it's so far from that.

Three and a half years ago, cancer was the best thing to happen to my mother. I loved her more, she loved me more, the family loved more. Every.day.was.a.victory. Small moments–such as walking a few steps on her own, or unabridged nights away from Vicodin–were celebrated and cherished. Sunrises and sunsets were watched. The roses were smelled. Every dinner was Thanksgiving. Kisses and I love yous freely distributed without reason.

This–beyond all doubt–was the best way to live life. Loving every moment and cherishing the small things that matter most.

I fear I might have lost it. The fear of cancer, that is. The smelling of roses, the watching of sunsets, the small victories. And this hurts my heart. To be honest, I'm so thoroughly caught up in the madness life presents and I was/am too afraid to admit it. Too afraid to say I'm sorry for not cuddling for ten extra minutes in the morning, for enjoying a long dinner, for rushing off the phone.

But I'm changing. Or trying to anyway.

JD asked if I'd be able to drive with him to Santa Barbara tonight for a meeting. But…but…my shoot…and email…and my favorite gym class… I caught myself mid-sentence. If today was my last day with JD, there's no where else I'd want to be than driving with him along the Pacific Coast against the night sky. Not at the gym, or editing, or emailing.

Today–after my shoot–I will join JD and we'll watch the sunset together. Because, really, that's what life is all about.

And because a post is always better with a photo, here's one JD shot of me at Joanna and Cooper's wedding…I'm still trying to figure whether my outfit was a stylist nod to an otherwise bleak array of wedding photographer attire…or COMPLETE AND TOTAL DISASTER. I'm kinda okay with both! 😉